


the less time that i spend with you (the less i need to heal)

by Anonymous



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Codenames, Former Friends, Friendship, High School, Horny Teenagers, Letters, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, No Dialogue, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, POV First Person, POV Second Person, Past Abuse, Past Lives, Past Relationship(s), Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, Self-Worth Issues, Teen Angst, Teenagers, Toxic Friendships, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, no names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-13 00:58:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18021812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: a letter to one of my former best friends. i don't know if i do or don't want them to find this, but i know i need to say it.





	the less time that i spend with you (the less i need to heal)

listen, azzale. i've been in your shoes. i've had a friend who meant the world to me, and who i loved so, so much, who cut me off with very little warning. it  _hurts_. i'm sorry i did that to you.

but i'm even more sorry for not doing anything to take this pain away from you.

i've been in love with my best friend, and i've had to keep it from them, and it tore me apart[.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17451581/chapters/41092886) it was in another time and place (another life, in fact), but i still remember how much it hurt to look at him and want to be his and for him to be mine and know that it would never happen. it fucking killed me in the end[.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17891354) i don't want you to have to go through that kind of pain. i'm sorry.

i associate you with too many hard times in my life. you caused a lot of pain and fear, whether you meant to do it or not. i can't let you back in without fearing that more of that will follow you. i'm sorry.

i kissed you because i knew you loved me, and i thought it would make you feel better. but as soon as i'd done it, i knew i'd led you on. i don't like you like that. i've considered throwing myself at you full-force; platonically, romantically, and, yes, even sexually. but i knew i couldn't. it was just yet another intrusive thought, and i'm glad i didn't act on it. i just don't see you that way, and i know that it would only serve to make me more and more uncomfortable until i hit my limit and did something i'd regret. i'm sorry.

i had a lot of fun with you. we had a lot of good times. but you were incredibly draining for me to be around. when i woke up in the morning and you were still there, my heart sank. when you left, i could only sigh in relief and retreat to my bedroom to recharge. not because i don't like you; i do. or, at least, i did. i'm sorry.

i still love you and believe that you're a good person and i want the best for you. but the best for you can't include me. it just  _can't_ , because then it wouldn't be what's best for  _me_. i need to take care of myself first, and i hope you can understand that.


End file.
